I work in “the business.” Yes, I know that means nothing without context because there are tons of “the businesses” just like “the city” is relative to whichever metropolis is closest to your non-metropolitan locale.

But, come on people, the only “the business” is Journalism and the only “the city” is New York. And I hate them both, but I love them, too, damn it. Well, I tolerate them both … kind of like a wife and a child.

In “the business” we have something called “the wood” and, well folks, my wood was on the front page of the paper today. Now, before you get excited that I’m talking about my cock again, by wood I of course mean “the headline of our top story.”

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Wow. To think my dick would be the subject of the most commented upon item in this blog’s young life. It just goes to show that crying and complaining really is how to get what you want.

Actually, I should have followed up that post much sooner with one singing Babeland’s praises. I went back to their Brooklyn store the next day, on the advice of the woman working there, and got precisely what I’d gone to get on Election Day. So, all my pissing and moaning was for naught.

One of the comments in the Babeland to Beatdown: Go Fuck Yourself entry is from a Babeland staffer, who made me the generous offer of sending my package a package (loved the way she worded that), since I’d been so disappointed to miss out on the promotion. It’s very refreshing to see that they’d be willing to accommodate me considering I took the tone of a total prick in my post and that they’d clearly disclaimed that the promotion was only available as long as supplies lasted.

Get this, they went out of their way to be accommodating even despite their disclaimer. The supplies didn’t last, but the Brooklyn store ordered more. That’s how I got mine. Add to it, now, that I’d been offered a freebie for being a baby, and their stock just keeps going up.

So, I felt the need to explain that I’ve got no enmity for the store. I never did, actually. I really just threw a binary fit for the sake of complaining about something. It’s only fair that I give them their dues for going above and beyond the call. They aim to please, it seems. Good thing, since their business is pleasure.

Babeland was offering free vibrators for chicks and free penis sleeves for dudes, to honor Election Day yesterday. My special lady got herself a sliver bullet and I got … bupkus. Why? No more sleeves. Why? The demand was too high. Or maybe the supply was too low. Maybe the sex toy shop run by women for women didn’t really consider that there would be as much male interest in the free shit they’d put aside for us. Or, maybe, as my lady friend put it: “I’m sure all the gay men came out in droves … and there are a lot of them in New York, sweetie.”

Suck it, Babeland.

Allow me the indulgence of being histrionic, for a moment. Oh, wait, this is my blog! I can say whatever I want. I get so used to being told what I can and can’t say in my gestapo-run commercial life that I forget about free speech. But, I do want to preemptively apologize for ranting about something as unimportant as a sleeve for my cock.

Still, I feel discriminated against. The ladies at the toy store don’t value my dick as much as their nonnies (perhaps why they’re so fond of toys, but that’s merely a hypothesis), else they’d be more accommodating than “guys can use vibrators, too.” It’s a bit like the conservative rhetoric of “civil unions are just as good as marriage!” If America is all about freedom and that bullshit, shouldn’t our national motto be “Give the people what they want?”

Well, it isn’t. Not at Babeland, anyway.

Did Ben & Jerry’s run out of ice cream? Or is that different because ice cream (like vibrators, apparently) is unisex?

Essentially, this all boils down to don’t offer what you can’t deliver. I don’t like being misled, and I don’t like getting somewhere to see that the dole for the ladies is still doling out, but the one for the guys has all dried up. But I’m going to let go of my disappointment, now; I finally voted for a presidential winner. Third time’s a charm, I guess.

Yes, “cock” will be a keyword in this entry.